The Good Marriage: Money Can’t Buy Me Love

It has been said that money and finances are spoken of over 800 times within the Christian Scriptures.  But, if you take time to read those Scriptures, how many of them speak of money within the context of marriage?  As far as I can tell, none.  There are many wonderful general principles presented in those passages, but it is sometimes hard or impossible to put some of those ideas into practice in a marriage relationship.

Despite this fact, though, I think there is an example set for us within Scripture for how money should be handled in marriage, and that example is set forth within the early church.

Acts and money

All the believers were together and had everything in common. They sold property and possessions to give to anyone who had need. (Acts 2:44-45 TNIV)

The best example of how money was treated in the early church is found at the very inception of the church.  The people lived together, ate together, and worshiped together.  But, they did so in community.  These “believers were together and had everything in common.”

In marriage, we must first recognize that the couple is together and, in a sense, has all things in common.  This is not to say that their identities bleed together and all sense of self is lost in the sense of the other.  Individuality still stands strong, but, when it comes to things like possessions, ownership becomes sort of a moot point.  “What’s mine is yours and what’s yours is mine.”  Not only does the married couple move in together, but they share common possessions.  One couch, one recliner, one TV, one computer, one dinner table, one bed.

The thing to realize about money and marriage is that whatever, for example, the man brings in monetarily, it becomes the woman’s as well.  The money is used to pay household bills, put food on the table, and provide for any other expenses may arise.  It becomes hard for the wife to say she wants such and such and for the husband to say he wants this, that, and the other because they must take into account what combined needs are present in the relationship.

This is one of the reasons that finances are one of the biggest reasons for marital fallout.  One or the other partner (or both in some instances) spends money in an inappropriate manner and leaves the relationship without something.  As the strain of debt strangles one partner, it strangles the relationship as well and things fall apart.

At this juncture, some would say that this is why couples should start saving money right off the bat.  But, sometimes, this is not so easily applied.  Sometimes a couple may be completely responsible with their finances but come out only having just enough to barely get by.  In these cases, saving is sometimes impossible.  So I propose a better idea (not to belittle the importance of saving, of course).

A better means of heading off any financial disputes is to do so before they even occur.  Communication is key when it comes to finances.  As silly as it may sound, every purchase should be discussed prior to making it.  And, if a surprise is in store, it must be done only if there are the funds available to do so without adding further strain.  It’s as simple as that.  When you go grocery shopping, stick to the list and only make extra purchases if they can be afforded after the list is complete.  If one partner wants a book or a movie, make sure the money is available before purchasing it.

I also believe that finances must be, when possible, done jointly.  Checkbooks must be balanced, groceries purchased, and bills paid openly and together.  There should be no secrets and, when possible, both partners must know everything that is going on financially.

Money may not be able to make you happy, but managing it well can aid in keeping things from going sour.

The Good Marriage: Sex

As I stated last time, today, we are going to take our philosophy of sex and look at it in more practical terms.  I am willing to say that it is downright impossible to speak of sex only in theory.  It must be talked about in real, literal terms.

As the logo to the left suggests, this post is intended for mature audiences only.  In particular, it is intended to be read by people in serious relationships that are on their way to becoming marriages and for those who are already married.  Some things here you may already know, other things may be new.  But I want us to understand the practical implications of a Christian philosophy of sex.

The Good Marriage: Toward a Philosophy of Sex

Of all the topics that can be discussed when speaking of marriage, sex is the one most controversial.  Within American Christianity, you have two major extremes.  On the one hand, you have the group that never speaks of it and leaves the subject veiled in mystery until the husband and wife share a bed for the first time on their honeymoon.  On the other hand, you have the group that challenges husbands and wives to have sex for 30 days straight and speaks so loudly of it that it turns the whole thing into a satirical joke.  Both of these extremes are wrong.  So, before we speak practically about sex and what it has to do with marriage, I would like to take a few moments and see if we can’t begin to move toward a healthy philosophy of sex.

The Good Marriage: Gender Roles

The particularity of each life is obscured by reductionizing abstractions.  Life leaks out of us as we find ourselves treated as objects, roles, images, economic potential, commodities, consumers. - Eugene Peterson

One of the most divisive issues within the Christian church here in America is the issue of gender.  On the one hand, you have the group called the Council for Biblical Manhood and Womanhood, which states that its aim is “to set forth the teachings of the Bible about the complementary differences between men and women, created equally in the image of God, because these teachings are essential for obedience to Scripture and for the health of the family and the church.”  Among these ideas is that men are to be the dominant partner in marriage and women are to be submissive to their husbands.

On the other hand, you have the group Christians for Biblical Equality, which which believes “that the Bible, properly interpreted, teaches the fundamental equality of men and women.”  This group would say that husbands and wives are to work together in marriage equally, and not in a hierarchical structure.

Whatever your personal view of all of this is, I want us to look at what the Bible says.  Set aside what you believe the Bible says and walk with me through the Scriptures as we discuss what they say about gender roles in a marriage relationship.

The Good Marriage: Foundations in Scripture

History is ripe with pictures and stories of marriage and weddings.  And, while history can be a wonderful teacher, it is too broad a picture for a discussion on what makes for a good, strong marriage.  Plus, history is purely the human story, and since it is the human story, it is also full of error and misunderstanding.  Human tradition sometimes contradicts common sense and often times becomes irrelevant as cultures evolve over time.

But there is one thing has not changed in thousands of years, and that is religious texts.  For the sake of our discussion, since most of my readers are Christians, I am going to limit my discussion of marriage within scriptures to the Christian Bible.  At the end of this post, though, I will link to some articles about marriage within some other religious contexts for the sake of my non-Christian readers and for some further reflection by those readers who are Christians.

So they weren’t totally silent…just incomplete…

So the SBC has indeed made statements in opposition to Bruce Ware’s comments blaming women for their being abuses…but they didn’t make any statements against him personally nor in a manner that the general public is likely to come across…here’s an article about it…so I retract part of my statements about the SBC…I still think someone needs to address the Jesus as lense for interpreting Scripture thing, though…

Book Review: The Shack

Mackenzie Allen Philips’ youngest daughter, Missy, has been abducted during a family vacation and evidence that she may have been brutally murdered is found in an abandoned shack deep in the Oregon Wilderness.  Four years later in the midst of his Great Sadness, Mack receives a suspicious note, apparently from God, inviting him back to that shack for a weekend.

Against his better judgment he arrives at the shack on a wintry afternoon and walks back into his darkest nightmare.  What he finds there will change Mack’s world forever.
(From the publisher’s synopsis)

The internet is chock full of both positive and negative reviews of William P. Yong’s The Shack.  I don’t want to add to the noise, but I want to share some of my thoughts and concerns after having read the book just a couple of weeks ago.

My overall opinion of the book is that it was alright.  It is not one of the most literarily beautiful works that I have ever read, and I don’t know that I would go so far as to compare it to The Pilgrim’s Progress, but it was not all that bad either.  What makes or breaks the book is it’s honest dealing with the issue of where God is when tragedy strikes.  Humankind has struggled with the problem of evil for centuries, and The Shack amounts to another attempt to reconcile God’s sovereignty, human responsibility, and human tragedy.

The Good Marriage: Foundations in History

Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. (Hebrews 13:4 TNIV)

Discussing marriage in our current cultural context is a touchy thing.  With homosexuals fighting for their right to have legally binding “marriages” to the broader Evangelical community fighting for “traditional marriages,” one is left with the notion that this beautiful thing is nearly undefinable.  To say marriage is between a man and a woman only seems intolerant and yet, simultaneously, “same-sex marriage” is an oxymoron of sorts with “marriage” implying that two different things are coming together.  Merriam-Webster would have us think differently, but it is hard to change the implications of a term when it has been used in a particular manner for as long as the term “marriage” has.

Bothered By Incarnation

Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. (Philippians 2:5-8 ESV)

The reason the incarnation bothers us so much is because it takes the idea of turning power structures upside down to a much deeper level.  Not only does the Trinity turn our world upside down in Itself, but when God became a man, He humbled Himself and put Himself at the mercy of His created beings.  God was basically giving us a free shot at Himself and begging us to take it.  He came before a people who were themselves denying God and stood in their midsts as Himself.

This bothers us because it means that, in a way, even God submitted Himself to us.  He “made himself nothing” is how the Bible puts it.

Bothered By the Trinity

We can never get away with depersonalizing the Gospel or the truth to make it easier, more convenient. Knowing God through impersonal abstractions is is ruled out, knowing God through programmatic projects is abandoned, knowing God in solitary isolation is forbidden. Trinity insists that God is not an idea or a force or a private experience but personal and only known in personal response and engagement. - Eugene Peterson

If I made the statement that I was bothered by the Trinity, it would immediately elicit comments about how I am in some way denying God and am apostate and such like things. So, before I make that comment, let me just preface it by saying that I believe in it firmly and think it is probably the best way to understand God Himself. It’s a mysterious truth, but a truth nonetheless.

That being said, I am bothered by the Trinity. I am not bothered by it because it’s true and it makes me uncomfortable because God’s Spirit is calling me to salvation or anything like that. It bothers me because of the implications of it. And I think this is true of even great theologians as well.