Fear

I was thinking today about where things stand for me right now.  I am right around $25,000 in debt, most of which is in student loans.  There is some credit card debt, but it was getting under control and going away.  And then, I found out my hours would be cut at work.  I would be going from 37.5 hours to 26.  Not good.  I would be losing almost $400 a month…meaning some bills would not be paid.

But no sweat.  I’d find a second part time job to make up about 12 hours.  Or I’d find a different job completely.  After all, I’d been sending applications and resumés all over the country for…well…months…over a year.  Surely SOMETHING would come up.  Something finally did…a paperwork mix-up at the BMV.  As a result I lost my job.

And while I did have two interviews this week, one with a bank and one with a church, I still find myself actually having fear over what is going to happen.  It doesn’t seem I am going to be receiving unemployment benefits due to the reason I was fired.  I am genuinely scared.

And you know what’s interesting?  I’m not the only one in this situation.  Thousands and thousands of people all across the country are facing some of these very same issues.  And because so many of us are out there looking for jobs, the jobs are being filled.  But places are also not hiring.  They’re laying off.  So unemployed people fill the streets and fill the government offices and fill the food pantries…

Across the nation there is a pervasive feeling of fear.

People don’t know what is going to happen to their houses and their cars and whether or not they will be able to feed their families.

And where is God?

Is He there?  Is He anywhere?  Is He helping His people in any way, shape, or form?  Where is the abundant prosperity promised by those big-haired and white-teethed preachers?  Where is the abundant blessing that was supposed to come when they sent that $10,000 “seed” to Rod Parsley?

The prayer cloths covered in the sweat of Paul Crouch aren’t working!

Where’s the outpouring that Prophetess Wynetta foresaw so many years ago?  Why are so many of God’s people who were supposed to be blessed being dashed on the rocks?

Maybe the problem is that we’ve been getting God all wrong for all these years.  Maybe when we give our lives to a God who promises prosperity, we’re giving our lives over to the devil.  Maybe when we send “seeds” to fund Rod Parsley’s ministry, we’re really funding a demon’s work.  Maybe when we buy Paul Crouch’s sweaty rags, we’re really buying the sweat of the great deceiver.

Despite that, I want to know where God is.  I had nothing to begin with, and even that was taken away.  I am truly of no value to society.  My net worth is a negative dollar amount.  But that isn’t what bothers me; that isn’t what scares me.

I’m scared because I have a baby on the way.  What kind of life can I give my child if I have nothing to give her?  How can I raise him when I myself am at the bottom, starting over?

I know the pat answers about how God must increase and I must decrease and how perfect love casts out all fear and how God will get me through.  I know that the sun comes after the rain and that we just need to pray and God will give us the answer we need.  It’s not that I doubt truth or don’t have enough faith.  David cried out and demanded to know why God left him stranded all alone.  Jesus cried out and demanded the same thing.  And now, I guess it’s my turn.

I’m scared.  I don’t know what to do.  I feel trapped and confused.  I feel like God is nowhere to be found. And so do thousands of others.

What will you tell us?

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